Recognizing True Love

At its core, abuse is a profound lack of love. A victim needs to learn to distinguish between an abuser’s control and love. It is important to know that love does not co-exist with fear and torment (1 John 4:18).

1. Love is not discernible in words – don’t look for it in what they say.
2. Love is not discernible in greatness – don’t look for it in how great a person they are, and “spiritual greatness” doesn’t make a difference.
3. Love is not discernible in sacrifice – don’t look for it in how much they do for you or others.

When a pastor determines that an abuser is really loving their victim based upon what they say during counseling, they are ignoring the first principle. When a pastor believes that the abuser is really loving because he is a great guy or because of his great ministry, they are ignoring the second principle. When a pastor calls attention to all the various ways the abuser is sacrificial as proof of their godly love, they are ignoring the third principle. These are three common traps set by clever abusers who use them to excuse their lack of love.

In contrast, love is slow to anger. It displays a kindness and patience that is not indifferent. Love is not jealous or possessive. Love does not need to be the center of attention, and it isn’t full of itself. Love is curteous and thoughtful, never rude. Love pays attention to the interests of the other, and no one has to walk on eggshells around them. Love doesn’t keep score of all your wrongs. Love grieves over sin and prizes truth. Love has your back; it is trusting without being naive; and it is optimistic and resiliant. (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

A victim is walking in love when they call an abuser to account for their lack of love toward them. It is not disloyal or unloving to call an abuser to truth. It is a serious mistake to tell the victim that if they love more or better their abuser will respond with Christlike love. It simply does not work that way. This asks the victim to love with an expectation of reciprocity, and sets them up for false expectations. It is essentially asking the victim to adopt the abuser’s perspective, claiming that the reason they are struggling with love is because their victim isn’t loving them.

The fact is that this idea is exactly the opposite of Christlike love. “We love Him, because He first loved us.” This is the essence of Christlike leadership, being the first to die to self and sacrifice for the benefit of the other, so turn your focus to the abuser and hold them accountable for that.