Recognizing a Repentant Abuser

The most important first step of recognizing genuine repentance is that it has nothing to do with how much sorrow is exhibited. Tears and strong emotion can be worldly sorrow, just as easily as godly sorrow. The difference between these two types of sorrow is found in the fruit that grows out of that sorrow.

Worldly sorrow leads ultimately to death. It kills the spirit and the body, and the ground it gives up can be reclaimed just as quickly as it was conceded. It can easily go back the the exact same behavior that led to the sorrow to begin with. There is no redemption for worldly sorrow because sorrow does not produce repentance. 

Godly sorrow, on the other hand, leads to salvation, because it always leads to genuine repentance. From the outside, and at first, the two are hard to distinguish. Thankfully, Scripture gives us characteristics of repentance so that with time and accountability we can recognize when those tears are merely the crocodile tears of the world as opposed to the genuine tears of repentance. (2 Corinthians 7:9-11)

In the first place, it is impossible for a genuinely repentant person to remain passive or detached from the situation. There will not be a “life happens” kind of attitude or suggestions that those who have been harmed by the sin should just “get over it.” On the contrary, there will be an intense desire do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to make the matter right. (What diligence it produced in you.)

Further, repentance presents a defense, but unlike the defensiveness of worldly sorrow, a genuinely repentant person will not seek to justify their own actions. Instead, they will evidence right thinking about the harm that has been done, the nature of the sin, and the full truth of how bad it really was. There will be no minimizing of the sin. The bottom line is that the only way to clear the conscience is to accept full and unqualified responsibility for what was done. (What clearing of yourselves)

This acceptance of responsibility isn’t merely a cold and factual acknowledgement of the sin; rather, there is an accompanying hatred of the sin. It is a horror to them, and it bothers them that they would stoop so low as to mistreat a person that they have claimed to love. There is a holy agreement with God and others regarding the outrage that is a consequence of their sin. They will not seek to dismiss or mute the expressions of this indignation by those they have harmed. (What indignation) 

The genuinely repentant person will see their sin in relation to the holiness of God, they will have a healthy respect for the fact that God will not be mocked and whatever they have sown will produce righteous consequences. They will further fear their own tendency to revert to their own sinful habits and to silence the fear of God in their own minds. (What fear)

However, fear isn’t enough motivation to indicate a genuine repentance. It could just as easily be a fear of consequences. Repentance produces a corresponding desire, a very strong desire, for what is right. This desire is so strong that it inevitably leads to necessary action. (What vehement desire)

That desire, together with the action, will result in a fierce pursuit of what is right. They will not let themselves off the hook; they will not stop short of what is right; and they will not be dissuaded from pursuing what is right. They will engage in this pursuit, even when it does not benefit them, when it requires sacrifice, or when it requires an acceptance of justice. (What zeal)

That pursuit of what is right will not be primarily related to others. It will be manifested by a person who first recognizes the need for justice upon their actions, but it will also be manifested by an unqualified acceptance of righteous consequences of their sin. They will not try to cover or hide from justice. (What vindication) 

A genuinely repentant person accepts that this is going to need to be proved over time. They accept that trust has to be rebuilt, and that it may not be able to be restored to what it once was. This will be seen as the natural and righteous consequence of their sin, and they will be willing to do whatever it takes to prove their repentance. (In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter)

In contrast, worldly sorrow will justify or excuse itself, minimize the true nature of the sin. It will be indignant at those who would make too much of the problem or hold them accountable for too long. Worldly sorrow will protect itself and hide their sin, as much as possible. It will seek to shorten  accountability and may even demand that their tears and apparent sorrow are sufficient to demonstrate repentance.

Worldly sorrow will demand forgiveness and trust when the full accounting of the sin has been swept aside and practically ignored by words and actions that fall short of genuine repentance. It will do only what is necessary to “get past this.” It will not be concerned with the healing of those who have been injured by their sin, and it will do everything it can to avoid consequences, even to the point of demanding that forgiveness requires the removal of those consequences. 

In short, genuine repentance cannot be demonstrated by what is said. It must be backed up with sustained action over time. Further, it is important to note that the repentant abuser will recognize that they may never be able to repair the damage they have done, even while they do their best to make it right. Sadly, they will also be able to recognize that sometimes the only way to make it right may actually be to withdraw permanently from those you have harmed.

It is a tragic, and potentially deadly, error to accept worldly sorrow as if it is genuine repentance. It is a severe cruelty to pressure the one who has been harmed to treat worldly sorrow as if it is genuine repentance.